Posted by: An American Expat | September 22, 2010


Recently I shared with a small group of my church family that I was struggling to really know in my heart that God loved me.  Not just everyone but ME.  I was sharing how important it was for me to have realized that it was part of who He is; God is Love.  It is his character.  It really doesn’t have much to do with me.  At the moment I was sharing this, I was crying, hardly saying exactly what I had meant to and feeling completely vulnerable and alone.  How long had I claimed Christ and I was just beginning to realize this very essential truth of God?  This is a basic principle that I should have gotten long ago! I told myself.  Yet, I so desperately wanted to grasp this truth; that sharing was more important than making myself look more knowledgeable than I really was.  Amazingly enough, God used that time.  He taught me to humble myself and encouraged me through other’s responses.  Some reminded me of God’s love, who He is. Some told me that my sharing that was a blessing to them.  Really? I thought.  Didn’t you hear me…..I just told you that I don’t get it.  I’m struggling, I’m broken, I’m hurting. Yet, somehow God used that to encourage them.  It really is amazing when you think about it.

Desperation once again led me to humble myself more recently.  I was struggling with something and I felt like God wanted me to share this with my husband.  I didn’t want to share it with anyone.  I was full of shame and just wanted God to fix me.  But I kept feeling God prick my heart to talk to Jonathan.  One day as Jonathan was leaving for work, I asked him if I could talk with him.  We talked and Jonathan shared scriptural truths with me.  He shared some of his own weakness with me.  It was a wonderful time of sincerity and love.  Through my husband, God shared some magnificent truths about himself.  He opened my eyes to the work that Christ did for me.  It was a time I hope to not forget.

That day, God led me to this scripture:

2Peter 5:8-11 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Powerful.  Did you catch that phrase in the middle?  The one that I caught for the first time (as far as I can remember).  “Knowing that the same kinds of sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.” Wow!  I am not alone in my struggle of faith.  I am not the only one who doesn’t “get it all.” I alone, do not feel desperate for God to change me.  There are others like me.  Maybe it is strange that I find comfort in that.  Seriously, maybe I should be sad that some are struggling just like me.  But somehow, it is beautifully encouraging to know that I am not alone in my walk.  I journey with others just like me; sinners who are desperate for God. Others who long to know who God is, who need to keep seeking Him.

A friend came over lately and noted my scriptures on my fridge.   It led us to talk of how we need prayer for different things in our lives and how we want God to change us.  Amen!  There was a time when the thought came to my mind “I should take those down before someone comes over. ” I didn’t want them to think I was struggling with anything.  That I needed such an open reminder.  That I didn’t just have the verses in my head already.  Those verses were kinda personal.   How glad I am that God led me to keep them up.  Who cares if someone thinks I’m not perfect-I’m not!

I’m not saying that I have totally gotten this concept.  As a fact there are about three thousand things I prefer to not tell you or anyone.  This is something God is showing me and it has been a blessing to me.  Being open can lead to encouragement and healing. Sometimes I think we go through this life with all of our struggles deep inside of us.  We beg God to change us, but are embarrassed to talk about the fact that we are struggling with others.  I think we need to remember that others are going through struggles too.  It may not be the same struggle-but fighting the good faith is hard no matter what [struggle] you are fighting.  I am not saying that we all have to share everything with everyone.  I am challenging us to be open about what God is doing if you feel like He is asking you too.  You never know-It may encourage a fellow fighter-Or even yourself!



  1. […] We lost the baby, which sent me in a whirlwind of questions about myself and about God.  It was a painful, uncertain journey.  My thoughts went wild with doubt.  My faith felt attacked and everything was questioned.  God […]

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