Posted by: onmyway2organized | October 16, 2010

Again

Well, my friends.  It happened again. 

I wasn’t expecting it.  The pain in my side grew worse and I struggled to weather on not I should call the doctor. Maybe something was rupturing, maybe I have a cyst-or cancer. But for some reason I took a home pregnancy test- pregnant. I laid on the bed and cried.

“It’s probably ectopic.” they told me Thursday.  “Either way it is NOT a healthy pregnancy,” they expanded.  The pain, the tears, the fear…..I felt as if I was repeating history.  Again. 

Even though, I find myself in the same situation as I did a few months ago, my response has been easier.  God is here.  And even though, I feel like crying at any giving moment,  I feel that I can lift my head and heart to him and know he is there. 

Praise be to God, who can heal. Even if he chooses not to, I know he is capable.

Praise be to God, who loves me.  Even those this doesn’t look like love-it is.  Somehow, God’s love is being poured on me.  I can’t always see it or feel it-but he has let me know it is there.  And I trust him.

Praise be to God, who answers prayer.  I have been seeking God asking him to strengthen my faith in Him.  I believe he will use this.  He is the provider of faith.

Praise be to God, who makes worshipers of himself-and lets me be a part of that.  These sweet babies, that I have never gotten to meet, are standing at the throne of God-their creator- and praising him.  They don’t have to know fear, despair, sin, or pain.  They just know God. They know perfect love.

Praise be to God who shows his strength in our weakness.  If you saw me right now, you would see weakness.  Tears falling.  Nose sniffing.  A broken girl in her pajama’s typing on a computer.  But my God is strong-and I pray he somehow shows it to others through this fragile being.

Praise be to God who comforts, in unmeasurable ways.  Ways that can not be seen or explained.

Praise be to God who conquered death.  Death was defeated at the foot of the cross, as Jesus gave his life for my sin- Paid my price.  Even though my body may die, my soul will live with Jesus.

I haven’t given up on this pregnancy.  I go back to the doctor on Monday and I know that God could heal everything.  But I also know that He could choose not to.  Somewhere there is a balance of hope and acceptance.  I don’t think I have quite found it, but I’m trying to. Pray for me, because I’m afraid.  I know, I shouldn’t be.  I know that God is in control, but I still have fear. I still have questions.  I still have pain.  Some of you won’t  understand and some of you know it all to well.  You don’t get over something like this.  They say “time heals your pain.”  No. It doesn’t, it just helps you not think of it so much.  God heals. Even when you have to go through it again.

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Responses

  1. Oh Liz…it’s hard reading this…knowing you guys are going through this…But praise be to God who comforts hearts, who is the Father of ALL Mercies! Scott and I are fervently lifting you, your baby, and your family in prayer.

    Please call me when you can; I love you my friend!

  2. Liz, I will be praying for you and Jon every day during this time. You are right that God will show you His love in the midst of this trial. It is so hard to feel and see sometimes, but there will be a day, when it will be clear to you, and I hope that day is today. I love you both dearly, and Noah and Elijah too!

  3. […] October we lost another baby.  The fear and doubt crept back in.  God fought my fight and is still guiding me through that […]


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