Posted by: onmyway2organized | October 22, 2010

Loss

My first time experiencing  a loss was when I was in fourth grade.  My great-grandmother had died and even though I could hardly remember her, I cried when I saw the pain it caused my mom. People that you’re related to aren’t suppose to die.  But they do. (And in reality we all will-unless God chooses to come back in your time and you have trusted in His son to save you).

The second time was when I worked at the wilds camp and a fellow worker drowned. She was so young. It seamed so surreal.  People that you know aren’t supposed to die.  But they do.

The first time a loss hurt so bad that it can still brings tears to my eyes and make it hard to breath, was in 2007.  We had a miscarriage in between our two boys.   I had thrown up all over myself because of the amount of water they had me drink when I was on the way to the hospital to see if they could find and heartbeat.  They couldn’t.  I remember their was a trainee with the ultrasoundest who cried also.  And if you came to my house you would see that I have the ultrasound picture of that baby. People I love aren’t suppose to die.  But they do.

On Monday we found out that God, in his mercy, decided to keep our baby for Himself.  As I wrote earlier-God makes worshipers of Himself.  He is the creator.  He will love that child more than I ever could.  How could I say that it was his mercy? I don’t know, other than the fact that I know he is a merciful God-and I trust him.

One of the hardest things this time is just all the unanswered questions.  Is this it?  Should I just learn to be content with my two sweet boys?  Is this going to happen every time I get pregnant?  Because I don’t want to do this again. My sweet and loving husband has tried to encourage me to, according to Philippians, “think on the things that are true.”  I know that I loss this baby, but it doesn’t mean that I will lose every one.  Can our God be limited by medical chances?  Is our God unable to do miracles?  Is He not creator anymore?  I have to remember what IS true.  Not what could be true or what might be true.  Our God is truth-and I need to turn my heart and mind on him.

Looking back on the last ectopic pregnancy, I can see how God used it to strengthen my faith.  How he used it for good.  How through questions, He led me to answers.   I can be thankful, in a sense, because even though I loss a baby, I gained truth.  I learned to trust God.  And I learned so much about who He is and even a better understanding of the gospel itself. I’m not sure I will ever be able to explain the depths of that by mere words. Those are things that are priceless.  They can’t be taken from you. Am I making any sense?

I’m not trying to downplay the fact that it is still a loss.  It’s not like, once you learn something about God, you stop hurting.  Because you don’t.  I still love those babies. I had already made plans and dreams for them;  Having parts of their rooms, and sometimes clothes picked out in my mind.  Each time, I was hoping for a girl, because I have wanted one so much.  Yes, tears still fall. I guess I’m just trying to communicate that something outside of your pain can happen, even simultaneously. Something to be thankful for- something only God can do.  Only He can bring beauty out of a loss.

 

 

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Responses

  1. Liz,

    I am so sorry. I didn’t know you were pregnant. I will be praying for you and Jonathan.

    Nikki

    • Thanks Nikki. It all happened so fast. We found out we were pregnant the same day we found out something wasn’t going quite right. A week later we found out it was ectopic. Your prayers are appreciated! Hope your little ones are doing well 🙂


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